Mid-Life Riders Online

1. Get Your Head On Strait
   
2. Carnation Milk Contest
   
3. Help The Homeless
   
4. Famous Last Words Of A Biker
   
5. Wishful Thinking
   
6. Three Marriages
   
7. No Cop
   
8. So Stupid, its Funny
   
9. The Priest and the Rabbi
   
10. Top 12 Country Songs of 2009
    
11. The New Bike Machanic
    
12. Married Man's Harley
    
13. Dear Abby
    
14. Who says bikers are not sensitive?
    
15. Harley - Exiting the motorcycle business
    
16. The Biker and the Minister
    
17. Difference between HD & GW riders
    
18. Dude's New Harley
19. Fast Thinking Old Biker
    

She said to her husband, "Honey; it's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, just get back on the bike and let's go."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. That should keep it nice and warm."

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

"Just hold its nose." were his last words.

The first biker had married a woman from Corner Brook and had told her she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second biker had married a woman from St. John's. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third biker had married a girl from St. Anthony . He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road!"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either.

I tried to buy some camouflage trousers the other day , but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail -- and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . (This is so bad, it's good!) . . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Submitted by Max Cram

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the prie st, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, " Sure Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley-Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
HarleyMan

Sumitted by Patty Hart

They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this biker would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly they kiss, and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive biker, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

In a brilliant management decision, Harley-Davidson decided to face the fact that the only reason most people buy their equipment is indeed as a fashion accessory. By building a prop motorcycle, costs can be dramatically cut and the new Stylin' Iron will have the look and feel of a real Harley motorcycle, which equipped with a recorded potato-potato synthesizer, smoky air pump to simulate exhaust, and even an adjustable rate oil leak.

The bike is priced at under $1,200 and is available immediately. Sales are expected to soar as the new model will allow Harley enthusiasts to spend more money on leather, hats, sunglasses and jewelry due to no longer having to be concerned about keeping the machinery in actual running and riding condition.

The expected surge in accessory sales has prompted the Milwaukee Company to begin talks with the American clothing designer Dickies to help supply genuine Harley-Davidson clothing, and K-Mart will feature the new Stylin' Irons in their sporting goods department.

A spokesman for Harley-Davidson commented: 'We expect Stylin' Iron to be a huge success and relieve the company of having to deal with complaints from the minority of customers who understand motorcycling, and can turn full time attention to the fashion conscious customers who buys our product to function equally as well as the rest of the Harley-Davidson line of motorcycles, in a fashion sense.

Some of our engineers who have tested the new machine claim it actually performs just as well on the road also, given a suitable downhill grade and tailwind.'

Submitted by Roger Mcwilliams Jr.

This dude always dreamed of owning a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. One day he had finally saved up enough money so he goes down to his local dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old bike trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the dude meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the dude decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.

They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the f**kin' dishes!!!

One evening the old biker decided to go down to the pond, since he hadn't been there in a while to look it over. He also thought he'd take along a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and gleeful laughter. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old biker frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Old bikers may move slowly but they can still think fast.